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Good Mourning

 


I had been perched at the top of the staircase watching her for more than 10 minutes before she finally noticed me. I couldn’t discern whether the word “mourning” or “morning” had left her lips that day, though either would have applied. She smiled, I smiled back but I could tell she knew mine wasn’t a smile of happiness as I knew neither was hers. Already we had both lied to each other and it wasn’t even 9am yet. It was becoming unbearable for me to witness the fog rapidly gathering around her. So desperately wanting to be rid of a love that had been tarnished by deceit, a love that not even blood could rectify, a bond broken by ties formed years after theirs began. She yearned to be set free, but time after time would permit it to adorn her like a foul odour only she could smell. And when she would forget momentarily and have an ounce of escape, she would in no time be reminded of everything she had lost.

And so she sat, a vacuous shell, encased by the spirals of smoke that danced their ritualistic rhythm around her.

With tiny circular motions made with her wrist, she waved a light over the crystal ashtray that sat before her, creating a delicate rainbow effect on the tablecloth. But no pot of gold greeted her on either side; instead her listless eyes inspected the kaleidoscopic colours that winked at her. An array of cigarette butts of varying sizes lay side by side within the cinder ridden ashtray, one for each memory that had taunted her thoughts; lifeless like the body which was now in the ground.

All she wanted was to be brave and strong, to be my knight in shining armour, to fight and not be defeated but I could see her weakness, we all could, her armour was infested with it. She knew she couldn’t pretend for another day, not for her or me and because of this she felt as though she had failed me; and that failure she blamed on the body that lay in the ground. The body that could no longer speak, but in death responded to many unanswered questions with riddles no one would ever understand.

Written by: April Alexander

@DiscreetMuse / @aprilalexander